Notes from my first swim lesson

Instructor: So you do triathlons and you don't know how to freestyle?
ME: No.
Instructor: What do you do?
ME: I sorta sputter and sink.
Instructor: I meant what stroke.
ME: I do the breast stroke...I think.
Instructor: (pause) You.. I ... uhmm... are you serious?
ME: Yeah...

(I'm in the water now)
Instructor: How long have you been doing triathlons?
ME: Just this past year.
(I take my swim cap and attempt to put it on my head but it gets stuck, covering just the top of my head. I feel like a Conehead. My bun and most of my head straggling out of the bottom)
Instructor: Let me show you how to put this on.
(I try to remove the swimcap and remove half the hair on my head in the process. I hand it to the instructor.)
See this part? This is the front. You were putting it on side-to-side.
(I swallow pang of embarrassment as I realize I'd been wearing my little swim hat backwards for the last year.)
You grab here, and stick it to your forehead. I will pull it over.
(SWONK! My eyebrows, along with everything else, are pulled tightly inside the cap. In one fell swoop, I have become a Kojak twin with a surprised look on my face. Botox couldn't get my eyebrows looking this good.)

(Later, after demonstrating my breast stroke)
Instructor: Yeah. So that's what you've been doing in a triathlon?
ME: Yeah.
Instructor: Okay. Well, that's uhh... Let me put it this way: The breast stroke is more... (does aerial impression of something completely different)
ME: So I was more doing "the frog" then.
Instructor: Okay, sure-- we'll go with that.