Coffee: Do not diss my best friend.

I want to express something, just so we're all clear about where I stand on this issue: I flippin' LOVE coffee. And I get tired of people saying that it isn't good for me, because it seems like every other week some article comes out in favor of the health benefits thereof.

So I Googled "coffee health benefits"-- just to prove she ain't all bad... and found the following on MotherNature.com.

Benefits:
• May reduce the risk of suicide among women.
• Helps prevent gallstones and symptomatic gallbladder disease in men.
• Contains caffeine-related compounds (theophylline) that can alleviate the symptoms of asthma in some cases.
• Can increase alertness and prolong waking hours.
• May improve short-term recall.
• Promotes the effectiveness of certain migraine drugs.
• May reduce the risk of cirrhosis of the liver among heavy drinkers.
• May postpone muscle fatigue and thus enhance athletic performance and endurance.
• May protect against free radical damage to tissues – one study found that coffee has more antioxidant activity than red wine, green or black tea, or orange juice.
• Can reverse polarity of the neutron flow. (Okay, I made this one up.)

Risks:
• Increases blood pressure among people with high blood pressure. (So I'll drink a little red wine. Big deal.)
• Causes insomnia, anxiety, and irritability. (I HAVE NO FREAKIN'CLUE WHY THEY SAY THIS! BASTARDS!)
• May worsen symptoms of PMS in some women. (Shut up. Less talk. More chocolate.)
• Can reduce fertility in women trying to conceive. (Lies! Everybody knows women don't TRY to conceive.)
• Can cause heartburn and indigestion. (One word: Tums.)
• May increase the risk of osteoporosis in postmenopausal women. (Ffs-- who cares. I already got vericose veins, cardio-myopathy, and macular degeneration heading my way-- like a little hump on my back is going to scare me.)
• May increase blood levels of homocysteine and the associated risk of cardiovascular disease. (Science-shmience. I have no idea what this means.)